space-oddity's Diaryland Diary

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smells like xmas

i'm so poor right now, and at such a horrible time of the year.
xmas.
i hope my friends won't be too surprised (that means disappointed) when they get something crafty this year. i have enough yarn to circle the earth five times.
i'm thinking that what everyone really would like is a nice lovely scarf.
ooh, with matching potholder!
no, but seriously, i'm sitting here trying to figure out what i'm going to do with the money that i do have this holiday season, and it's looking very grim.
very grim.
my mother said last night, "you're very crafty, resourceful, just make them some nice christmas cards or something. they'll understand," and she does have a point, but the problem i have is that, unlike myself, they have money. i just feel really bad when i can't give as much as i receive. i'd rather not get anything. i just wish we could give each other hugs and say, "happy holidays!" and then have dinner or something. i mean, if i had the money, i would buy everyone a car or a new computer or . . (like i would ever be that wealthy, but . .). anyways, i wish i didn't make myself feel so guilty for things like this. i know it's wrong to feel this way, so i guess that's half the battle, but i'm never able to see it all the way through. i'm sorry and so worried of disapointing people.
i'm always gladly swallowing any kind of hurt or shame or personal disapointment to make everyone else happy, because well, i guess everyone else begins to mean more to me in some weird twisted way, when a lot of the times, i should just be thinking about no. 1.
myself.
and then, it all starts all over again. i start to feel guilty for thinking too much about myself, and etc. and etc. and i should be more giving and etc. and
when will i ever find a happy balance?

i wonder how colin feels about purple yarn?

p.s. it's sad to see all of the lexdesign diaries with broken graphics. makes me cry.

1:12 am - Tuesday, Dec. 04, 2001

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