space-oddity's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- chemical imbalance i haven't been interacting with people very well. i just find myself turning the volume down and letting my mind wander. in mid-conversation i start to feel incredibly sad and sometimes almost angry, and my eyes tear up. of course, eventually, i have to swallow it and continue on with my trembling voice. this thing mostly takes place at work, where i deal with people mainly via telephone, though sometimes i find myself doing it in the plain view of strangers. i begin to think about what it is that i'm doing and why i'm doing it, and i just lose it. i feel bad enough knowing i've made a real mess of my life with some self-destructive choices, and then i have to listen to silly frivolous and hateful people day in and out, and it gives me the enormous sense that things will not get any better. a stranger screamed at me to "get the fuck out of (her) way" the other day. no, i wasn't in her way, more like her in mine, and the situation certainly didn't warrant such hate. and i started to cry, but thank goodness, not directly in front of her. i just can't cope with this daily confrontation. i don't know if i'm supposed to just change my sensibilities or what. get with the modern times and just get on with my life? grow some armor or some balls or what? i haven't a clue. pathetic, really. i want to convince myself that it's chemical and something i can fix, because i don't think there is anymore room in the world for my despair and misery. no one needs it. listening to the smiths never helped anything, either. trust me. 12:38 am - 03.26.03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||