space-oddity's Diaryland Diary

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miss needy

i don't know how he does it.
my roommate, he's kind of seeing this girl, and over the past few weeks, it seems like they've spent more time on the phone talking than they have spent talking to each other in person. they live in the same city, and if i remember correctly, they're about a ten minute drive away from each other. i just think.... i... i've never been able to be like that, and i don't understand how other people are. if i like someone, and i have an opportunity to talk to them, i'd always much rather prefer to do it in person - if that option is available, which it definitely is in their case. i guess i've just always been so passionate about the relationships i have and would hate to have things like telephones come between them. i have this need to have people there in front of me 'cos it hurts too much when they are away.
and well, maybe that's my problem, and maybe that's why my relationships always go to shit. it's like i just inhale everything in one big breath... and poof it's all gone. i don't want to say that i suffocate people; i don't think i've ever done that. i think it's more that i seek out people that have my same problem of need-i-ness, except not only do they share that trait, but they share it ten-fold.
so there i am... happy.. loving it... joined at the hip with some needy guy, thinking this is exactly what i've always wanted, but then there's always that harsh realization three months after that this is not what i wanted at all, and i feel trapped by my own fault.
i say - i shouldn't have spent every single moment of every single day with him. i shouldn't have learned so much about him so quickly. i should have savored my time, and i should have made myself less available. i shouldn't have gotten so tired of it all,
but i never remember this stuff at the start of any relationship, and every single time i fail miserably.
so i guess colin's doing the right thing,
taking his time.

.

or maybe i just meet the wrong guys over and over again (?).

i hope my current interest is a keeper, and i hope i don't fuck it all up.

2:20 a.m. - 2001-08-13

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