space-oddity's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- first day of school it's the first official day of classes today, but i don't have class until tomorrow. i feel like i'm missing something, like school hasn't even started for me yet, but i'm already feeling like a fuck up. i need to chill. i dropped my one and only art class yesterday. yep. it turned out to be something that i won't really need unless i decide to major in some sort of studio art, and i've decided that will not happen.. so i'm down to only six hours. sigh. perhaps this is why i'm already feeling like i've messed something up? maybe? six hours. yes, always half-assing. with so many accomplished people around me, i am embarrassed by my lack of motivation and direction. but six is better than zero. baby steps. besides, i am thinking maybe nine hours would have been too much with the obligation i've gotten myself into with my crap full-time job. anyway, getting back on campus and returning to college life will be good for me, even if it is only for six hours a week. there will be lots of sorting-and-figuring-out in the next four months. if i haven't decided what i truly want to do with myself and my college career by winter break, then i'm just going to pack up my shit and go away. by that time, there will be no point in being here unless i'm here for school. it's been too easy for me sit still and do absolutely nothing for myself for so long. i will have to force myself into something sooner or later. i figure winter is a good deadline. if i haven't found any real passion or enthusiasm by that time, i should be moving on. where? i don't know. i'll keep you posted. but despite my mind racing and my concerns with school, waking up today was remarkably wonderful this morning. you whispered in my ear. i am sorry that i am too frightened to give any replies. i stay silent. and i smile. every word is a choice. 11:58 am - 08.20.03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- building the wall i just heard a car crash outside. screech. bam. crunch. so i moved within walking distance to the university. did i tell you that? it is a good thing for me logistically, but within the past weekend, i've realized that there is a major downside. school starts on wednesday, and so the students started coming back on saturday. every august there are thousands of new people that come to knoxville who have never spent any substantial time here before. now i understand that it takes a while to get adjusted to a new area and to get sorted and to figure out where things are, but c'mon, be careful, people! i've been driving to work everyday following behind a countless slew of people who have no idea where they are going or how to get there. they stop in the middle of intersections that have no stop signs. they stop when they have the right-of-way. looking around.. right? left? one-way streets? what's that? where do i go? i don't know, but please, get a fucking map and get a fucking clue and get out of my fucking way before you make me late for work. again. i'm surprised that there aren't even more wrecks. mark and i went for sushi saturday night. it was a good time spent with "terikyaki beef or children, fried chicken, rice and drink." okay, kids, first things first. they misspelled teriyaki. and second things second, the restaurant is now serving children for dinner. bwahahahaha. we laughed. we laughed really hard, and then i swiped the menu. i'd scan it, but that means i'd have to hook up my scanner, and i'm too lazy. so bah. anyway, it makes for a nice little leno-esque headlines type memento. we had been talking about this nightclub where all the older folk go. it is called michaels. this is where all the 40-something trashy divorcees go to meet up with all the pervy men in the midst of mid-life crises. yes, prime for people watching. we saw some craptastic fashion waddle past us as we made our way to the door. we thought - this is going to be good.. but then we were slammed with a not so pleasant surprise of a five dollar cover charge. what? did i miss something? i did not hear live music coming from within, and please tell me that they did not expect us to each dish out five bucks to hear the crap that the shitty dj had playing. i mean, what is that? do people not drink at michaels? and is the house forced to take a five dollar cover in order to pay the bills? greedy bastards. we laughed at the notion of a cover charge and promptly left. work hasn't been too unbearable lately. i think when i'm happy with all of the other stuff going on my life, then work is easy-peasy-japanese-y. i am gliding. i am content. i am enjoying people. not a misanthrope anymore. or at least for the moment. heh. for once i don't feel too troubled. i want to be the wall for you to lean on. i want to be the strong one. i am getting directions. and i am here for you, too. 4:19 pm - 08.19.03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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