space-oddity's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- the size issue at the bar last night, i ran into two people who i hadn't seen in a long time. both looked at me with shocked and amazed faces as they did their double-takes. "you look great!" they said. hmmm.. funny thing.. i mean, i know i've lost weight, but judging by people's reactions, i guess i really don't know the full and complete impact of just how much i've lost. i haven't really weighed myself, so i'm not quite sure just how much i've shed. i think maybe just over 20 lbs in the past four months. i think. but i'm not sure... but jesus, if i had to guess by the reactions i get alone, i'd assume i lost 80 lbs or something. it's fucking crazy. i used to be a size 10, sometimes a 12 at my heaviest. i'm down to a small 8 or 6. i don't think that is too much of a difference. okay, actually, i did a little shopping yesterday, and some size 4's fit. it freaks me out because when i look in the mirror i don't see anyone different. i don't see someone smaller. i know i wear a different size, but i still feel the same... well, actually, strike that. i don't feel the same. before i felt pretty damn miserable and unhealthy all the time, but now i have crazy amounts of energy, and i feel good about myself. i don't necessarily feel that this all has to do with the sudden change in how i look... more like.. i feel better about myself because i know i invested a lot of time and work into making myself a healthier person, and i feel really good about this. i used to think... god... if i could only be a size 6, but, truthfully, now that i'm there, i couldn't care less. it's all about being comfortable with yourself and who you are. i'm learning. also, it's amazing how differently people treat you after you've lost a few pounds... it's kind of sad, really. 12:31 pm - 08.12.03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- over the weekend well, work is going to cooperate, and i am free to change my schedule to suit my needs. i was surprised they agreed, but you know, everything has been falling into place lately, so it shouldn't be that surprising. i've been worrying for nothing. i begin to feel like my life is a wreck, but then i turn back and look around and realize everything's already been folded neatly and put away. who's helping me? this is strange because things don't normally work out like this for me. usually a bunch of serious shit will all go down at one time, and i'll find it very difficult to cope, but not this time. i am feeling good about this. my weekend was a real doozie, kids, and this is despite all the working and the whatnot. friday night we went drinking in the old city. the entertainment and atmosphere weren't quite top notch on this particular night, but still we are content with the mere company of each other and will make a good time if the good time is not already happening to us. i was feeling cute in my little black floral print skirt with the flounce hem. it was a cute night. saturday. a party. i did not know many people there, but still was able to have a wonderful time. tiffany brought her friend trish. this woman is a riot. could it be because she was the only black woman at the party? perhaps. but she was fucking hilarious. i saw someone who i hadn't seen in a long while and was surprised that he didn't seem like a total freak show when we talked. had i only remembered the strange and absurd bits from our brief friendship, or has he changed? i dunno. doesn't matter. someone pointed out the stairs-seemingly-going-nowhere attached to the neighboring house, and i, in my inebriated state, decided it best to go scope out the situation. they were right. the stairs didn't lead to anything, and i walked away all disappointed with a big fucking cut on my leg. ouchy. .......... and those dots represent all the things i'd like to say. and there are many other things that i would like to share.. many incredible things, but lately i've had to censor myself in this thing entirely too much. beware of the "hidden-referrer". i don't want to hurt feelings even more. no putting salt on your wound. so anyway.. at work the other day, i was sitting in the breakroom, checking my messages on my phone and checking email at the same time. i felt a tap on my shoulder and turned around to see the day receptionist standing behind me. he realized i was busy and immediately walked away. i finished up at the computer and decided to go see what's up. "you need to talk to me?" and he just kind of sat there and stared while the people behind me milled about and walked by. he said, "i've got a question for you," but still didn't go on to explain. the people were still milling. i asked if he needed a favor 'cos i figured he wanted to see if i could cover his break at the desk or something, which is something i do on a pretty regular basis. finally, after the people had dispersed, he leaned over and said, "do you have a boyfriend?" okay, this question is shocking for many reasons, but above all, this is shocking because i always thought jeff was gay, seriously very very gay. also, when you're asked this sort of question, you know someone somewhere is interested, and i'm still in utter disbelief when i find someone wants to actually go out on a date with me. it's the "who, me?" mode. i just can't shake it. like.. who would want to go out with me?? yeah, i know. low self-esteem. it's a work in progress. anyway, in response to his question, i immediately said, "yes." that is a lie. i'm just so used to saying that i have a boyfriend because i did have one for a very long time, and with the recent break-up and whatnot, it is difficult to shed certain parts of the i'm-with-someone vocabulary. so i said yes.. and then i had to quickly, say "no." haha (nervously). and he looked at me puzzled, and asked which it was, and it's "no," of course. anyway.."why do you ask?".. "because i know someone who's interested.".. "who is it?".. "...".. "you can't just ask someone a question like that and not follow up.".. "well actually there are a couple of people who are interested.".. "who is it?".. "you'll know in due time."......... hmm. so now i'm scared of what will happen. i'm imagining that even today, someone from work will approach with a proposition, and i got to thinking about the guys i work with... and well... let's just say i'm not too excited about this news. o bah! 11:32 am - 08.11.03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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