space-oddity's Diaryland Diary
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a short nothing
the new video from the strokes is nice. tiffany and i are planning a trip to see them in november, which reminds me: tickets.
mark and i are going camping tomorrow. i'm a city girl, ya know. he keeps asking me if i have warm clothes to wear. i think he's afraid i will make it a real drag. heh. i've only been camping once before. we'll see.
he's grilling chicken right now. we're going to eat and watch survivor.
this is my life.
it's quite nice, actually.
7:41 pm - 10.16.03
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walking home in the rain
i stopped at the intersection and waited for the little white walking-man to light up. it was, and still is, raining. the boy standing next to me turned and asked if i "want(ed) to stand under this small umbrella" with him. i said, "no, but thanks." i mean, after all, it was a rather small umbrella, and already having been drenched from the water, i didn't see the point in troubling this nice stranger. but i was taken with the sincerity in his voice; it was beautiful. he meant it.
2:28 pm - 10.14.03
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eli
listening to the cardigans, life. this reminds me of my nissan sentra. driving. getting high. with eli in the passenger seat. it was his favorite. this, and jane's addiction. where did he go? i do not know. it's one of those things.
good googily moogily.
not feeling very profound.
11:45 pm - 10.08.03
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locked jaw
i've been locking up my jaw lately. i start to think about all of this stuff that i need to do, all of which i am not doing, and then i start to get pissed with myself, and i lock up my jaw. teeth to teeth. clenched. what the hell is wrong with me? i really shouldn't be stressed, but i am, and that, in itself, pisses me off even more. grrrrrrr! it's non-stop, kids.
also, i need to stop blacking-out when i'm drinking. i can't remember anything the next day. hopefully, i'm not doing anything too embarrassing, but what i'm most concerned with is that i'm having all of this fun, and then i don't have any memory of it the next day. what's the point then? it's a bit scary, not remembering. i don't think i used to be like this. when did this start? and why is it happening now? do you black out when you drink? hey, i'm sorry for acting really fucked up and stupid. i mean, well, i don't remember acting that way, but if i did, then i'm sorry.
i'm writing this at work. i have to get back to it now.
6:50 pm - 10.05.03
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thin
been eating way too many of those pumpkins from the candy corn mix. they're so sweet. they tickle the back of my throat, like that makes any sense.
i've been too worried about my image lately. the comments from my co-workers today did not help. three different people at three different times stopped me in the hall and asked me if i planned on losing any more weight because i am looking too thin. i didn't really know how to answer the question. i haven't been doing anything to consciously lose weight lately, even though i know i'm still losing it. i've been eating well, but i still slip up occasionaly (had wendy's spicy chicken sandwich w/ fries for lunch today). also, i haven't been running in.. i don't know how long, and that used to be the thing that kept me on track, at least i thought. i don't know what's going on with my body. i do know that i have closets of clothes that don't fit anymore, and i'd rather not spend the money to buy new ones. perhaps the baggy clothes make me look smaller than i really am. yes? and really, i don't think i'm that small. what gives, people?
it's very cold in my apartment, but i'm too cheap to turn the heaters on. i'm afraid that they will suck the money right out of my wallet this winter. my windows are too big and too old and too leaky, and i'm on the bottom floor. the heat's just going to escape. but it's hard to think about these things when you're apartment shopping in july.
god, i'm boring.
and tired.
2:46 am - 10.03.03
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lost in tr*nsl*tion
i walked by a white picket fence a minute ago and realized that every picket had a upc symbol fixed to its end. each white stake had a row of black lines peeking up through the ground where it pierced the grassy surface. the white picket fence. like the symbol for the perfect world next door. it can be bought and sold. at home depot. beep. it just looked silly.
today has been very difficult and busy. i am surprised that i even have a few minutes to peck into this thing, but it's all give-and-take, and i had a wonderful weekend, so today is for giving it my best.
i wrote a little blurb about falling from my living room window friday night. it's too weak and too tiresome to expound upon again, so i won't bother. i will mention that while looking back on my writing, i wrote about how even though "i only live on the first floor, a fall is a fall, especially when you're wearing flipflops and have no coordination." what is that? a _blank_ is a _blank_. the laziest and surest way to define anything. love is love. yes.
we saw lost in translation this weekend. i have, yet again, fallen hopelessly in love with a movie.
and now i have to skidoo!
2:35 pm - 09.30.03
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blue with brown
blue with brown is pretty.
6:57 pm - 09.25.03
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angles
so the sickness still lingers. bleh. this thing is full of ups and downs. i've never seen anything like it. half of the day i'm feeling quite normal, feeling pretty good, and then there's this abrupt shift, and good god, i feel poopy. what is this? all i know is that i want to take some nyquil, but i have a shit ton of reading to do, so instead of doing one of the two, i write in this fucking diary. man, i'm crabby. monday, when i was feeling extra sick and crabby, mark actually took care of me and took me to the grocery store and to walgreens to get drugs. the rain was insane that day, and he held the umbrella while we walked to and fro. he abandoned his work to lie with me on the futon. we even watched oprah. he is my non-boyfriend.
i was working the desk at work tonight, and this temp came up to chat. he told me about his mother who is dying from cancer and his sixteen-year-old brother who has autism. he said his father left the family when he found out that the mother had cancer. also, this guy works full-time and goes to school full-time. i just kind of sat there and stared at him, and then told him that i really didn't know what to say to him. i mean, jesus, what can you say? sorry is a poor excuse for a reply when you don't even know the person. it couldn't ever be anywhere near sincerity. so then he started talking about how his girlfriend left him because he didn't have any time to spend with her anymore, but he would still like to date if he could. he then went on to ask me if i'd like to get together to talk sometime. umm, right. thanks, but no thanks. gotta love his angle though.
some things happen in the course of the day, and i try to make a mental post-it note to myself to insure that i'll write about it later and put it in my diary, but lately, i haven't been so good about making the notes, and when i sit down to write, i've got nothing. how do you guys decide what goes in and what's left out?
1:32 am - 09.25.03
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spending the night
night spent curled up in a spoon, and woke up laughing in my dreams.
the weather is fine.
we're just flying by our seats here.
4:53 pm - 09.24.03
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first day o fall
goodbye, summer. herrrrrrrrrro, fall!
2:14 pm - 09.23.03
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