space-oddity's Diaryland Diary

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uncomfort

my eyes are swollen and puffy and sore. i sat in bed all night while i kept trying to sleep because sleep would mean comfort, but my mind keeps racing back and forth and up and down. i kept thinking about being a kid and how destructive i used to be am. i remember never finding complete pleasure with anything unless i could tear it apart, like stacking wooden blocks and then toppling them over. i would cut the hair off my dolls, and sometimes i'd paint their faces and pull apart their limbs. and it's not just being destructive, it's more like feasting and devouring, wasting every little thing until there's nothing left worth having. and then it's starting all over, long successions of highs and lows. and i'll never be what you want me to be. i'm too curious for that. with a need to be too consumptive. hurts hurts hurts. i woke up today feeling like fraud and feeling like no one truly knows me. and that is entirely all my fault. i only want to be good. and i'm rambling.

10:15 am - 10.06.04

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to steve

this weekend was insane. i drank too much and laughed too much and indulged too much and divulged too much, and now i feel woozy. it's tuesday. yikes. but now i've gotsda get ready for the workyworkwork, but i've made a mental note to self to write more later. i've missed the diary over the past few days. must make proper update.

o! and one more thing. to steve from alcoa - thank you. that made my fucking day!!!

12:52 pm - 10.05.04

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jens

you are the light (by which i travel into this and that)

1:55 am - 10.05.04

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libby on game day

my cat gets nervous during football games. she hides until the next day.

8:22 pm - 10.02.04

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don't cry out loud, homie

i just got back from walking to walgreens. libby was out of cat food. so i was standing in the pet food slash cleaning supplies slash trash bags slash automotive aisle, and then all of a sudden i heard that song, "don't cry out loud", and then i turned my head, and i looked over next to me, and there was this little mexican guy just going to town! singing... swaying his body to and fro with the beat of the music. it was like he was melissa manchester herself! but then he looked up and saw me, and he got embarrassed and straightened up really quickly. it made me smile.

and then i got to the cash register and realized i picked up a bag of dog food rather than kitty food. hrrmph!

10:15 am - 09.30.04

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take two

i met keith for drinks after work tonight, and on my drive home, i saw this guy on the sidewalk, and he was riding one of those motorized scooters. i drove on ahead of him, but then he finally caught up with me at a red light. i rolled down my window. i don't know why. i didn't want to say anything to him. i just wanted to hear the engine on the scooter i guess. the putt putt putt of it. he was smoking a cigarette. he had both hands on the handlebars, and he had this cigarette stuck to his lips, and he was just puffing away. i looked at him, and he gave me the thumbs up. i did the same, and then i drove away.

take two.

1:31 am - 09.30.04

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hello, fall

wenis. if you type "wenis" into google, google asks, "do you mean: 'tennis'?" haha. why am i typing "wenis" into the google search engine, you ask? because it's funny. because i laugh everytime i type the word. that's kind of strange. why am i talking about this? anyways, if you click on the first link, the egypt link, you can briefly see a snippet about a pharaoh called "wenis", haha, and his son called "wenisakh". wenis sack. but then all of a sudden it will redirect you to a page about the pharaoh "unis" or something or other. sorry. anyways. rambling. god, what if your last name was wenis? i knew a guy with the last name of ennis. yeah, you can just imagine how that went for him. yoko wenis. check out this guy's cardboard car. wait! there *are* people who have the last name of wenis! meet the wenises. god, check out this guy. wenis. also, the same person who made the mangina is responsible for the wenis. jonathan ames wrote about him in his book, what's not to love?: the adventures of a mildly perverted young writer. this book is very candid and very amusing and it's not for everybody, but it did make me laugh a lot, which, i guess was the point. anywho, enough of the wenis.

hello, fall!

11:29 pm - 09.28.04

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tom. cat.

t.c. t.c. tom. cat. tom. cat.

i was working the desk yesterday, and this girl walked in wearing this really cool hat, so i said, "hi. that's a really cool hat." and then she just sighed and walked away. what? no thank-you's. no nothings. yeah. bitch.

also, there's always some dr. so-and-so, who is overly educated and knows it, and they call and assume they're speaking with someone who has only just now learned how to speak english. so they enunciate each syllable of every word as if they are reading to some kindergarten class. they also check and double check their orders because they just *know* that i don't know what i'm doing. ugh. gag me. it's enough to make me want to screw things up on purpose.

this is pathetic. i don't have anything interesting to say.

toodles.

11:08 am - 09.27.04

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the hall director

we have had a lot of temps in the building over the past week because it's sale time, and we can't handle the heavy call volume by ourselves. earlier in the week, i had to do a double take as i was walking by a temp because he looked a lot like my hall director from a dorm i used to live in about four years ago. and after further inspection, i realized it actually was my hall director. so i said hi and did the whole, "what are you doing here???" thing. i guess he's just there to earn extra money because he's still a hall director. anyway, i remember running into him at the video store a while back, and i wondered if he remembered me telling him where i worked now. so i was sitting at my desk yesterday afternoon, and he walked by and handed me a piece of paper with his phone number, and he told me to call him when i got off from work. and then he walked away. what for? call him for what? we actually were getting off from work at the same time, but i didn't tell him that. i got kind of nervous, and on my way out of the building, i'm not afraid to admit that i got sneaky and tried to leave the building without anyone noticing. i didn't want to find him sitting out in his car waiting for me or something. i mean, if i call him, there's a really big chance that he'll ask me out, and i don't want that. i'm not interested, and i don't want to be in that awkward situation at work now because i told him that i didn't want to go out. this sucks. if he wanted to talk about anything else, why couldn't he ask me at work? on the sales floor, it's not inappropriate to say, "hey, have you gotten your degree yet?" or to say, "hey, how's your friend keith?" but it is inappropriate to say, "hey, do you want to go out for dinner sometime next weekend?" what else could he possibly have to say to me. i just hate feeling that i'm obligated to call him. blech.

10:44 am - 09.26.04

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ronnie

i keep on looking at my diary because that picture of ronnie milsap cracks me up! i'm evil. but all day today, even while i was at work, i kept thinking about it and looking at it, and it makes me laugh every time. if you could see the larger picture, you'd probably laugh, too. man, he has to wear those sunglasses all of the time! also, he has a mullet, and the worst part about it is that he doesn't even know what his own hair looks like. he probably doesn't even have a say in how it's cut. someone else has gotta be behind the scenes, pulling the strings. ... wow.

6:41 pm - 09.25.04

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new entry

my insides felt like they were chewing on themselves today. i wake up some mornings cursing being a woman. i've heard guys talk about how they'd love to have been born a girl. "i would never stop touching myself!" they say. boys are silly.

last night i made a mess of myself at the waffle house. ask tiffany. talked about stupid stuff and ate too much. a general whirlwind made of laughter. there weren't any booths, so we sat side-by-side at the counter. odd. i thought. i was sitting right in front of the cash register, and i made tiffany switch with me. heh. i'm so o.c.d. when it comes to certain things. like sitting in front of cash registers. haha. whatever. i'm completely zonked right now.

anywho! when we got there, a bunch of people were just leaving, and they were standing on the sidewalk by the entrance. and i saw that one of the guys standing there resembled ronnie milsap! so i yelled, "oh my god! look at that guy! he looks just like ronnie milsap!" and as we were driving by them, i saw tiffany's hand, ligtning fast, lunge for the window "up" button. she was afraid he heard me. but who cares! so what if he did. what's wrong with someone telling you that you look like ronnie milsap? you could be called worse. besides. ronnie milsap's blind, right? you've got to respect that. people don't make fun of ronnie milsap because of that, so it would be an honor for someone to tell you that you remind her of the man himself. ... i think my mom used to have an autographed photo of ronnie lying around somewhere. i wonder if she still has it. hmm.

worked at the vid today. saw mr. west. boyce said he saw mr. west walk by the store this morning. then he saw mr. west drive by this morning. then on the third time, when mr. west saw me through the windows, he finally decided to come into the store. this is what boyce says. i didn't realize people were so choosy about who checks their movies out. one day, and this was a little while ago, mr. west took me to lunch. it was just to the mexican restaurant on the other side of the shopping center, and it was in the middle of the day, right before my shift started at the store. we sat on the bar side, where none of the other diners were eating. i guess he didn't want to be seen with me. he had fish tacos. and i had .. i had.. i don't remember what i had. anyway, he talked about his wife, his job, about being a babyboomer. he talked about his daughters and where he's traveled. he talked about "fern bars", and the whole time i thought he was saying "fun bars" and how he doesn't like to go to "fun bars". i don't remember what i talked about. actually, i think he did most of the talking. and then i went to work. sometimes he asks me why i haven't emailed him. see he gave me his address when he made me a cd of music he had told me about. but i don't really have any reasons to email him. .. i just think this whole thing is sort of interesting and a little bizarre. i mean, why's he so interested in talking to me? ... wait, have i written about this before?

so i was trying to go to sleep last night, and i was thinking about how movies never show people acting completely human. like if you're watching the wedding planner or something, don't you ever notice that matthew mcconaughey never trips while he's walking? and you never see jennifer lopez have a multiple-sneezes attack while she's at the park having a romantic moment with the cute doctor she's just met. i guess i'm just saying people in movies are too perfect and superhuman. it would be nice to see something different every once in awhile. something to remind me that it's okay to be like me. but of course i watch movies to escape just like everyone else, so i'm not saying that i particularly want to see a hobbit pick his nose and wipe it on his cape all the time. but you know. i'm just sayin'.

this is a crap entry.

typing to take up space. for the past three days, my cat (libby, libs, the libster, liberino) has been staring at the same place by the floor heater in the living room. she's freaking me out because her staring there makes me think there is something moving or living or dying or existing in my heater. and cats only seem to stare if they're hunting something. and they're only hunting something that is moving or living or that's considered good eats.

staying in tonight. eating junk food. watching eternal sunshine. alone. waking up early. working. repeat. and repeat. and repeat.

11:53 pm - 09.24.04

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